I haven't felt much like myself lately. Just lonely at times. I haven't ever lived by myself before. I'm isolated from my friends. Work is work.
David-Michael keeps moving and grooving. He has push toys at both houses now and is clearly moving in the direction of walking. Sarah, his daycare lady, had a dream about him walking. Otherwise he is trying to eat with a fork and spoon.
We have dodged any major illnesses lately, though he has a nasty case of ringworm. But things with James and I are not improving. I haven't even told him of my plans.
I've also been fighting a wicked case of insomnia. I just can't seem to go to sleep, which is probably why I don't feel like myself.
But the time has flown by. I've been here for four months now. This feels more like home then any place since I moved out of my mom's house. Isn't that funny?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A New Start
James and I have separated.
The baby and I have been in a new apartment for a week now. During that time we have settled much more into a routine then we ever had with James. We wake up, DM nurses, I go to the bathroom and change his diaper, then breakfast is cooked and dishes are washed. After that it depends on if I'm home or not, and how late I'm home. At night dinner is cooked, we eat dinner at the table, and then I get online while DM plays and/or falls asleep in my lap.
I don't have anyone else to rely on really, which is both scary and nice. It's scary because I worry about little things, like is he going to wake up when I try to take a shower? How do I get laundry done when the laundry room is on the other side of this set of buildings?
It's nice because I get to do things MY way. Plus I like my kitchen here a lot more then my old place. At the old place I always felt very confined. The new place is much more open, which is funny because it is a smaller apartment. James has also come over a few times so we are still working on our relationship.
DM is still not walking. I'm kind of glad. He is starting to talk. He knows that Izzy is at daycare and can say Iz-zy. He has said Da-id as well. He says mamama and dadada. Occusionally he'll say another word. According to Sarah (the woman who watches him), he roared tonight when playing with a lion toy that roared.
It is good change.
The baby and I have been in a new apartment for a week now. During that time we have settled much more into a routine then we ever had with James. We wake up, DM nurses, I go to the bathroom and change his diaper, then breakfast is cooked and dishes are washed. After that it depends on if I'm home or not, and how late I'm home. At night dinner is cooked, we eat dinner at the table, and then I get online while DM plays and/or falls asleep in my lap.
I don't have anyone else to rely on really, which is both scary and nice. It's scary because I worry about little things, like is he going to wake up when I try to take a shower? How do I get laundry done when the laundry room is on the other side of this set of buildings?
It's nice because I get to do things MY way. Plus I like my kitchen here a lot more then my old place. At the old place I always felt very confined. The new place is much more open, which is funny because it is a smaller apartment. James has also come over a few times so we are still working on our relationship.
DM is still not walking. I'm kind of glad. He is starting to talk. He knows that Izzy is at daycare and can say Iz-zy. He has said Da-id as well. He says mamama and dadada. Occusionally he'll say another word. According to Sarah (the woman who watches him), he roared tonight when playing with a lion toy that roared.
It is good change.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A New Year
Everywhere seems to be the same thing:
I can't wait for 2009 to be over. 2009 was such a bad year, 2010 has to be better!
I don't agree. Ultimately the change of the year is just another day, an abertrary date. For some the change of the year has already occurred, and for others, it is still coming around.
Regardless, in this world, it does mean something. For me, 2009 has had some amazing ups, mostly involving the baby. It has also had some amazing downs, my grandmother dying, and the deterioration of my relationship.
The fact of the matter is that 2010 will continue this trend. While I hope to repair the relationship with my husband, I don't know if that will be possible, or even the best thing. The past few weeks has shown that he is selfish and self-centered. He reminds me a lot of his father, and I don't know any good way of telling him that. We are going to go to counseling.
But he isn't the only one. I have my flaws too.
2010 will mark some important milestones. Regardless of what happens with James and I, I will live on my own for the first time ever. For the first time I will be completely responsible. This scares me and excites me. The baby will start to walk. He is working on standing by himself right now and is getting closer to it every day.
Was 2009 a bad year? Yes. It wasn't the greatest, but you know, it wasn't the worse. I look forward to 2010, but ultimately tomorrow is just another Friday.
I can't wait for 2009 to be over. 2009 was such a bad year, 2010 has to be better!
I don't agree. Ultimately the change of the year is just another day, an abertrary date. For some the change of the year has already occurred, and for others, it is still coming around.
Regardless, in this world, it does mean something. For me, 2009 has had some amazing ups, mostly involving the baby. It has also had some amazing downs, my grandmother dying, and the deterioration of my relationship.
The fact of the matter is that 2010 will continue this trend. While I hope to repair the relationship with my husband, I don't know if that will be possible, or even the best thing. The past few weeks has shown that he is selfish and self-centered. He reminds me a lot of his father, and I don't know any good way of telling him that. We are going to go to counseling.
But he isn't the only one. I have my flaws too.
2010 will mark some important milestones. Regardless of what happens with James and I, I will live on my own for the first time ever. For the first time I will be completely responsible. This scares me and excites me. The baby will start to walk. He is working on standing by himself right now and is getting closer to it every day.
Was 2009 a bad year? Yes. It wasn't the greatest, but you know, it wasn't the worse. I look forward to 2010, but ultimately tomorrow is just another Friday.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Birthday!
Today David-Michael, the littlest DM turns one.
A year ago I was in the hospital, with an epidural because I was in so much pain from the back labor.
A year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy.
A year ago, I was worried he wasn't going to make it, as he was wisked away from me right after he was born, breathing poorly.
A year ago, my life changed forever, and I don't regret a moment of it.
Happy Birthday David-Michael!
A year ago I was in the hospital, with an epidural because I was in so much pain from the back labor.
A year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy.
A year ago, I was worried he wasn't going to make it, as he was wisked away from me right after he was born, breathing poorly.
A year ago, my life changed forever, and I don't regret a moment of it.
Happy Birthday David-Michael!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Almost There
In 11 days, DM will be 1 year old.
Things with James are still at a low point. He acts as though I'm the only person who doesn't do anything. That everything is my fault. He finally took responsibility for failing a class.
I still haven't reconciled how I feel about what Brit did to my relationship with him, to how he feels about her and how I feel about Brit. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully reconcile the differences.
The baby is growing. I wont' have an unofficial weight until tomorrow, and I won't have an official one until sometime in Jan. He still hasn't taken any steps that haven't been hanging on to something (or someone). He has stood for a few seconds here and there. He is back on nebulizer for wheezing. I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid somedays.
That's all for tonight. I'll try to update more often.
Things with James are still at a low point. He acts as though I'm the only person who doesn't do anything. That everything is my fault. He finally took responsibility for failing a class.
I still haven't reconciled how I feel about what Brit did to my relationship with him, to how he feels about her and how I feel about Brit. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully reconcile the differences.
The baby is growing. I wont' have an unofficial weight until tomorrow, and I won't have an official one until sometime in Jan. He still hasn't taken any steps that haven't been hanging on to something (or someone). He has stood for a few seconds here and there. He is back on nebulizer for wheezing. I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid somedays.
That's all for tonight. I'll try to update more often.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Here it goes again....
The baby has pneumonia again.
We are on a nebulizor for the first time. DM hates it. It was a giant fight this afternoon that ended with me pinning DM's arms down.
We are also on Cleritan for the rest of the winter to try and stop this before it happens.
*Sighs*
We are on a nebulizor for the first time. DM hates it. It was a giant fight this afternoon that ended with me pinning DM's arms down.
We are also on Cleritan for the rest of the winter to try and stop this before it happens.
*Sighs*
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Daycare
I sometimes still feel guilty for putting him in Daycare, even while acknowledging that it is for the best.
It was worse before. The baby would cry when we got near Reeba's house. He would cry (generally) when we handed him over. When we picked him up, he'd be crying. He'd spend the next day or so (plus the rest of that day) being SUPER needed and clingy. Little things got to him and some of his enthusiasm waned. It made it all hard.
Then she let him go. Just like that. Because he was crying too much. Then she started to demanded money. We had to pay what we owed ASAP (which was understandable) but she called me THREE times in one day to ask where her money was...despite the fact that I had explained after the first call that James was in class ALL day and would drop it off when he was done...somewhere around four or five o'clock.
We scrambled to find a replacement. Reeba had a lot of advantages. It was close to the apartment (about 5 blocks), it was on a bus route, and she watched kids whenever. That is why we hadn't taken him out of daycare...yet (though we were going to give him another week before deciding what the next move was).
I called three places, two were on bus routes and close to my house (one was two blocks closer then Reeba's had been). The last one was near work and between two bus stops but not actually on a bus route.
Only the latter got back to me. Her name is Sarah. Do to a SNAFU, only James went to check her out. But we were more prepared this time. In the end, James approved.
Since then we've noticed a major change in David-Michael when he goes to day care. He is smiling and happy walking up to the door. He is happy when we pick him up (though there have been occasions when he fussed, it was much more the 'I see you mommy, pick me up NOW' fuss then the 'Get me out of here!' fuss). She feeds him and talks to him and holds him and lets him play. She has three kids, the youngest of which is 19 months old. He is her only daycare kid at the moment, unlike at Reeba's where she was probably violating the terms of her license regarding the amount of kids.
It isn't all perfect. It adds forty minutes of walking to any trip I have. It is in between two stops, so it requires walking two blocks either way. I got lost my first time going to pick him up. The weather is turning, so the extra forty minutes are going to start adding up. She also doesn't watch kids on weekends, which mean we are going to have to plan for that.
But that's it. So we like her and plan on keeping her.
It was worse before. The baby would cry when we got near Reeba's house. He would cry (generally) when we handed him over. When we picked him up, he'd be crying. He'd spend the next day or so (plus the rest of that day) being SUPER needed and clingy. Little things got to him and some of his enthusiasm waned. It made it all hard.
Then she let him go. Just like that. Because he was crying too much. Then she started to demanded money. We had to pay what we owed ASAP (which was understandable) but she called me THREE times in one day to ask where her money was...despite the fact that I had explained after the first call that James was in class ALL day and would drop it off when he was done...somewhere around four or five o'clock.
We scrambled to find a replacement. Reeba had a lot of advantages. It was close to the apartment (about 5 blocks), it was on a bus route, and she watched kids whenever. That is why we hadn't taken him out of daycare...yet (though we were going to give him another week before deciding what the next move was).
I called three places, two were on bus routes and close to my house (one was two blocks closer then Reeba's had been). The last one was near work and between two bus stops but not actually on a bus route.
Only the latter got back to me. Her name is Sarah. Do to a SNAFU, only James went to check her out. But we were more prepared this time. In the end, James approved.
Since then we've noticed a major change in David-Michael when he goes to day care. He is smiling and happy walking up to the door. He is happy when we pick him up (though there have been occasions when he fussed, it was much more the 'I see you mommy, pick me up NOW' fuss then the 'Get me out of here!' fuss). She feeds him and talks to him and holds him and lets him play. She has three kids, the youngest of which is 19 months old. He is her only daycare kid at the moment, unlike at Reeba's where she was probably violating the terms of her license regarding the amount of kids.
It isn't all perfect. It adds forty minutes of walking to any trip I have. It is in between two stops, so it requires walking two blocks either way. I got lost my first time going to pick him up. The weather is turning, so the extra forty minutes are going to start adding up. She also doesn't watch kids on weekends, which mean we are going to have to plan for that.
But that's it. So we like her and plan on keeping her.
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