Upset

The past 24 hours have been a nightmare.

First off, I got my drivers license. Then David and I drove about 45 minutes away to meet my new nephew Robert.

That is where the nightmare started. His mom, Nicole, my step-brother's fiancee had told me she was going to totally breastfeed. That she wanted as much advice as possible. Her board said that she was 'breastfeeding', but I snuck a look at the log to record how much he ate and all of it was formula. Then, when I asked, she told me that the doctors and the nurses told her to feed him formula first so 'he gets used to it'* when she goes back to work at least until her milk comes in.

Yeah fucking right. What nurse in their right mind would say such a thing?! None. That's who. Instead Nicole probably tried it once, found it painful, and the formula was RIGHT THERE. Then she'll probably tell me she had to stop because Robert couldn't latch. No shit. Bottles first make it super difficult to nurse.

On our way out of the hospital, I left David's sippy (he has another but it was the only one I brought with me for the trip) in the lobby. My step-brother retrieved it, but I couldn't go back in. The I lost the keys to the car. When I was putting David in his carseat, the keys fell out of my hands and wedged in between the back seat and the trunk. It took an hour to find them, and my sister had to crawl into the truck to get them back out.

David then cried for the next 15 minutes before falling fast asleep. He woke up just as I was dropping him off with his dad.

Apparently he cried on and off until this afternoon. James told me no more overnights.

So now I can't trust James to take him while I go to GenCon. Which hurts my soul that I can't trust David's father with him. But with all of the little incidents plus David being fussy for James about 50% of the time, I just can't.

But the final straw was when James told me he stuck David in the bedroom, closed the door and let him cry.

Ugh!

So now I'm super disappointed and sad. The time that I would have been at GenCon will now be spent at a lawyers office figuring out the best out come for a divorce.

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* - My cousin said nearly the same words in reference to David when he was about three months old. Despite frozen breastmilk, she decided to feed him formula. David rejected it after just a sip (though I would find out later, he willing took two bottles of a different brand) so she told me that I needed to feed him a bottle of formula a day to get him used to it.

Where has it gone

I haven't felt much like myself lately. Just lonely at times. I haven't ever lived by myself before. I'm isolated from my friends. Work is work.

David-Michael keeps moving and grooving. He has push toys at both houses now and is clearly moving in the direction of walking. Sarah, his daycare lady, had a dream about him walking. Otherwise he is trying to eat with a fork and spoon.

We have dodged any major illnesses lately, though he has a nasty case of ringworm. But things with James and I are not improving. I haven't even told him of my plans.

I've also been fighting a wicked case of insomnia. I just can't seem to go to sleep, which is probably why I don't feel like myself.

But the time has flown by. I've been here for four months now. This feels more like home then any place since I moved out of my mom's house. Isn't that funny?

A New Start

James and I have separated.

The baby and I have been in a new apartment for a week now. During that time we have settled much more into a routine then we ever had with James. We wake up, DM nurses, I go to the bathroom and change his diaper, then breakfast is cooked and dishes are washed. After that it depends on if I'm home or not, and how late I'm home. At night dinner is cooked, we eat dinner at the table, and then I get online while DM plays and/or falls asleep in my lap.

I don't have anyone else to rely on really, which is both scary and nice. It's scary because I worry about little things, like is he going to wake up when I try to take a shower? How do I get laundry done when the laundry room is on the other side of this set of buildings?

It's nice because I get to do things MY way. Plus I like my kitchen here a lot more then my old place. At the old place I always felt very confined. The new place is much more open, which is funny because it is a smaller apartment. James has also come over a few times so we are still working on our relationship.

DM is still not walking. I'm kind of glad. He is starting to talk. He knows that Izzy is at daycare and can say Iz-zy. He has said Da-id as well. He says mamama and dadada. Occusionally he'll say another word. According to Sarah (the woman who watches him), he roared tonight when playing with a lion toy that roared.

It is good change.